Valentine's Day

Ok, so this might not be one of my favorite holiday, but I ususally do enjoy it because I have a kind and loving husband and I've got a son that I adore. But this time it was miserable. I really don't fucking know what's wrong with me. Everything was great. It really was. Varus was finally going to change the bases and we could make new clothing for them and things were... changing. Finally.

A welcome change.

I was getting along with my husband just fine. No fights or squabbles, and we're still not really having any...

But this is crashing down.

Falling all around me.

I don't know why, and I don't think that I can stop it. Something is wrong and it's me. I mean it. It's not him, or Raine, or Faye.

I've been fighting with Raine over the most stupid things. Stupid things! Pixeling. Yeah, I really don't like to do pixel art. I don't find it very fun as I think I'm not very good at it, but I was giving her a hard time because I hate it. That's not her fault, and I just started randomly while talking to her.

I couldn't believe the bullshit that was streaming out of my mouth, but I couldn't stop, either. I really... just lost it. And still have it lost. I don't want to talk to anyone because I don't feel that I can control myself right now. I tried to tell Raine, but I'm not sure she understood me. I tried to tell my husband, but.. when I tried, I couldn't. My breath caught in my chest and it felt like someone had reached inside me and was squeezing the shit of my lungs. I felt like someone dunked me in ice water; on top of not being able to breathe and having a stabbing pain in my chest, I was shaking all over.

He asked what was wrong. Of course he would ask. He didn't know that I was trying to tell him what was wrong. I tried again. It only got worse and I felt like I was going to collapse. I had tears in my eyes. I was so angry. I was ready to tell him. I wanted to tell him something, for once. I normally keep this kind of shit to myself. And of course... it didn't work. There had to be something else.

I made it seem like I was choking, and I don't think he believed me, I think he thinks it was my heart, and he's partly right. It was my heart, but not because it wasn't beating right this time. I am just so sick of this. I want everything to be all right, just for once. And it never is. There is always something wrong with the equation.

And that something is me.

Should I leave him? I must make his life pretty miserable with everything that's just plainly fucked up about me. I love him. I really do. And I want him. Always have, since I met him. He could do so much better than someone like me. I'm a dead end, and I'm probably off of my freaking nut, to boot.

I just don't know.