Valentine's Day

Ok, so this might not be one of my favorite holiday, but I ususally do enjoy it because I have a kind and loving husband and I've got a son that I adore. But this time it was miserable. I really don't fucking know what's wrong with me. Everything was great. It really was. Varus was finally going to change the bases and we could make new clothing for them and things were... changing. Finally.

A welcome change.

I was getting along with my husband just fine. No fights or squabbles, and we're still not really having any...

But this is crashing down.

Falling all around me.

I don't know why, and I don't think that I can stop it. Something is wrong and it's me. I mean it. It's not him, or Raine, or Faye.

I've been fighting with Raine over the most stupid things. Stupid things! Pixeling. Yeah, I really don't like to do pixel art. I don't find it very fun as I think I'm not very good at it, but I was giving her a hard time because I hate it. That's not her fault, and I just started randomly while talking to her.

I couldn't believe the bullshit that was streaming out of my mouth, but I couldn't stop, either. I really... just lost it. And still have it lost. I don't want to talk to anyone because I don't feel that I can control myself right now. I tried to tell Raine, but I'm not sure she understood me. I tried to tell my husband, but.. when I tried, I couldn't. My breath caught in my chest and it felt like someone had reached inside me and was squeezing the shit of my lungs. I felt like someone dunked me in ice water; on top of not being able to breathe and having a stabbing pain in my chest, I was shaking all over.

He asked what was wrong. Of course he would ask. He didn't know that I was trying to tell him what was wrong. I tried again. It only got worse and I felt like I was going to collapse. I had tears in my eyes. I was so angry. I was ready to tell him. I wanted to tell him something, for once. I normally keep this kind of shit to myself. And of course... it didn't work. There had to be something else.

I made it seem like I was choking, and I don't think he believed me, I think he thinks it was my heart, and he's partly right. It was my heart, but not because it wasn't beating right this time. I am just so sick of this. I want everything to be all right, just for once. And it never is. There is always something wrong with the equation.

And that something is me.

Should I leave him? I must make his life pretty miserable with everything that's just plainly fucked up about me. I love him. I really do. And I want him. Always have, since I met him. He could do so much better than someone like me. I'm a dead end, and I'm probably off of my freaking nut, to boot.

I just don't know.

Creative Title to be inserted here

I haven't written in this thing for a while, now. And, right now, I'm at work. My work is done, and I actually have some free time for once. So, I want to wisely spend that free time and rant. Not even rant. This is a good rant. A good one - I mean it.

I haven't even had time to be keeping up with Faye's blog like I usually do, and I regret that. I miss her a lot, actually. Faye's really become one of my best friends, and a person that I can easily love - further more, she's a person that I don't regret loving. And you know, I don't think I've ever told her that. I don't think I've ever told Faye what she means to me, and that is one thing that I regret a lot.

I love all of my friends, but lately, her and Meghan have been there for me the most.

I remember when I first met Faye. It was through Varus. We were both on the Site Artist team back then - I don't even think she was a moderator yet. Meghan was talking with me on IM, and I remember just scrolling through some of the threads when I saw Faye's post about Meghan. Faye was pissed off at her - she thought that Meghan was this stuck up bitch that was full of herself. I can't remember what had set her off at the time, to be honest.

I knew that wasn't true - Meghan spoke highly of Faye, but of course... Faye didn't know that. Meghan's shy and could no more have told Faye that she admired her than I could tell her now that I really love her. And Meghan didn't know what to say when she saw Faye's post. I know she tried posting herself and explaining, but it didn't work. Me, being an idiot, I got into it, too.

And I posted what I thought was the problem - a communication error, basically. Sounds like something a machine would say, doesn't it? "Communication Error # 405!" And after a while, both girls calmed down... then things drifted more or less toward mutual friendship. I still didn't exactly speak to Faye for a long while - I'm really too, and usually scared of meeting new people, but I don't like to admit it.

After... I'm going to say, about a year or so, I remember getting Faye's AIM screen name, and after a few things going down on Gaia, I really needed someone to vent and rant to, or the person that I was pissed at was going to find their head, amoung other body parts, missing and sent to several different countries. Faye was online... and she listened. Someone she didn't know all that well was sitting there bitching to her about God knows what... and she listened.

She didn't have to, but she did.

And I remembered that she did.

When she had something that she needed to talk about, she had my AIM screen name, too. She bitched and ranted and vented just the way that I had before. Oddly, enough, that's how our friendship started.

Things just went on from there. We got to know each other better, and to be honest, if you're going to sit there and scream and rage, you might want to know something about the person who's listening to you, especially if you're going to do it more than once.

Over the years, I guess I just fell in love with her. And not the kind of love that makes babies. A union between her and I would surely create the Antichrist, and I don't quite want to destroy the world yet. But all the same, I love her. She was there for me, and despite the fact that she insists that she's an awful person... she really isn't.

Faye isn't one of the nicest people that I've ever met, but at the same time she is one of the nicest people that I've met. She's got a rough character, like me, and just as people have (hopefully) learned to see through my character, I've learned to see through Faye's as well, to see what she's really like.

She's a sweet person. Sure, she's got a sharp tongue on her, but then again, so do I. Hell, so does Meghan if you manage to royally piss her off. Trust me; I've done it. She can be really rough, but usually her intention is to help you through something, to help you see something that's dangling in front of your face that you either refuse to see, or that you just can't see, rather than hurt you. I remember having a fight with Sei over something, and frankly, I was going to give up. When I told Faye, she basically said, "What the fuck are you doing?" and yelled at me; That got me to my senses, and it got me to not give up. I was able to help out Sei, whom I also care deeply about.

And right now, she needs someone, and I can't be there for her. I really want to be there. I even think that I know what's wrong.

It's him.

It's because he hasn't come into contact.

And it hurts. It must hurt. She was holding on for so long; she was brave.

But it got to her. And now she's left with this pain.

I want to make it go away. But I need her to tell me first.

I wish she would tell me so that I could help her. And not feel so helpless to help a friend that would do whatever they could to help me. Of course, if wishes were horses, I'd have a fucking farm by now.

All I want is for her to be happy. For my friends to be happy, too. I'm not even asking for my own happiness, although having them happy would make me happy as well. It's a vicious cycle, you see.