A Bell is Tolling

Again, I haven't posted in this thing for a while. And I've got a lot of news, this time, too. We'll start off with me meeting a girl today, randomly. It was interesting... see, today, I also randomly decided to log onto Gaia again. I missed too many of my friends there, including my bro, Sei, the lovely IHD, and the lovable Zahir. And, a while ago, I joined a guild there...

It's a long story, but it's my blog, and no one is making you read this shit.

I was browsing through the GD at one point in time, when I noticed that someone was cosplaying a character from Angel Sanctuary. They were cosplaying Kira, and they were questing for a katana. I had two, from donating, and I usually only had one equipped, so I simply donated one of mine to him. Needless to say, he was happy. He was in a guild that RP'd with the Angel Sanctuary characters, and... well, my Gaia name is Angel Rosiel. Do the math.

He asked me to join, and it seemed very impolite to decline, so I joined.

This was roughly a week before everything went to Hell in a handbasket with my computer, so needless to say, I didn't do a lot of posting.

Well, when I returned, I felt really bad for... well, not being active. So, I took, what I thought was owner of the guild, a screen name, and IM'd this person. I wanted to apologize and ask how I could help. They weren't the owner, which is just my luck. But she seemed nice, so I kept talking to her. And, you know, it's refreshing to meet someone who won't instantly give out their name, sex, age, and whatever. It's refreshing to find someone who knew to use their head. And she's a gamer, too! *squee*

I've gotten people who will practically tell me where they live without knowing jack shit about me, and I'm sorry to say... that's just fucking stupid. I know that I have no intention of hurting these people... but please, do you know how many crazy fucktards there are out there that will rape you and kill you?

I'm not kidding. There are people that are out of their God-damned minds who sit there and actually look for people. And there are plenty. Did you know that all someone really needs to find you is your first name, your state, and what school you go to? It's that simple. And at the same time, it's gotten out of hand... just because someone is older than you does not mean that they're a sexual predator. There are some good people out there, too.

Like me, for instance. :<

In other news... I was finally able to tell something very important to someone. Lots of details, right? I've been in love with this person for a very long time, and they're actually one of the people that I've been afraid to tell this to... because they had someone else. They loved someone else very deeply, and it was very obvious. You know that kind of thing. And then someone else... well, it just creates problems. But I just blurted it out, like the bright young lad I am... and surprisingly, she didn't kill me.

Of course, she doesn't feel the same way. I wouldn't expect her to, and I obviously love her all the same. And I adore her love as well... and I want them to be together, if it all possible. These two people mean very much to me...

Ok, ok... I'll admit something. I'll say that I really hate people. Yeah, ok, fine. I don't. I don't hate them... I hate them at times, but not completely. I hate them when they make stupid mistakes and hurt each other. But if people were completely horrible, I wouldn't love so many of them. I love Raine, Faye, Ayu, my husband (obviously), Zahir, Serael, IHD, Ana... and a lot of others. But, yes.

I also met someone else recently. I call him Pinky. He calls me Eel Man for no apparent reason... so I get to call him something that doesn't make any sense, too. He's Sparkling Pink Dildo... but that takes too much time to type out, so he's Pinky. Deal with it. Very odd boy, but I definitely like him. He's a perv like I am, so I don't have to watch my language, or topic of conversation. Ever. It's wonderful.

I'm going to work on some Varus items later on, too. Pinky wants me to make those ninja masks, since he really likes them, but I'll have to check and make sure another SA isn't making them. I still need to reinstall Corel, though. I've been sort of dreading it. Without it on my computer, I can use the excuse that I don't have anything to work with, but with it there, it's just me being lazy. Damn. I also plan to finally finish re-making some of my old items. The crusader set is almost done, and it will be in female format, too! I'll finally get to fixing my damn Angel wings, as well. God, I wanted to kill those things as I was making them.

And I was so proud of them, too. *tear*

I also want to make some things for blobs. I wanted to make some new blob balls. And, no, I will not describe that until I make them. That's making you wonder what they are, isn't it? I'll bet I know what you think it is. You sick fuck. Well, I'll give you a hint. They're on FIRE. Because inanimate objects are awesome on fire. Especially toilet seats, right, sis?

And... this last bit, now. I'm dreading this. Because this is final. I can go and edit it, but, I wouldn't want to look at it again.

Daniel...

You're dead, aren't you?

Why a question? It's got to be... and yet I know it's not. I wish it were. I wish you were still alive, because I fucking MISS YOU. I want you here. I want you alive... I'm a selfish prick, but why did you have to die like that? Why did you die kissing me? You had to kiss me while you pulled the trigger? Did you want to kill me, too? It could have.

I've got a scar on my cheek that says it very much could have, hidden by my hair. Because I don't want people to ask about it. I don't want to remember about you. All you had to do was move the muzzle a little bit. It would have killed me too, then. And sometimes, I wish it had. Do you know what I went through? The questioning... the police, the doctors. They thought I killed you.

Do you know what it felt to be accused of that? Can you even imagine? Jesus, Daniel, you were one of the most important people of my life. I grew up with you. You were always there, just like Luc. The two of you annoyed the shit out of me. You didn't fucking like going to school EVER. I loved you, because you were there. You accepted me for the freak I was, and that was that.

You made me feel alive, why did you fucking have to go and die?! They wouldn't let me see the note you left, but I saw it anyway. You loved me? Is that why you did this? Because you loved me? You lying son of a bitch, if you loved me you'd never have done this. You'd never have taken yourself away from us.

You drove me mad, Daniel. After they figured out that I didn't kill you, they locked me in a mental institution. They say it was because I wouldn't eat, talk, or move. I wouldn't react. I was Catatonic. Or so they say. I can't remember. I blocked it out... well, most of it. I remember that sometimes, when I knew they weren't watching me, I'd move. And I'd think. About you.

And it would hurt, too. The pain never left me, and I grew tired of it. But it wouldn't go away. Only bringing you back would make it go away. But you were gone, weren't you? ... no. I brought you back. You didn't blow your brains out while kissing me. You never went upstairs and then called me to come and talk to you. You never died.

That's what I told myself, and only then I was able to function. But now, I need to come to terms. You're dead, Danny. You're dead and I can't wish you back, no matter how hard I try.